i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He passed out mid-signature
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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