My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
