i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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