My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The convent might be a nice break from real life
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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