It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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