smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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