I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
