If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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