i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hell yes lets make some ravioli
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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