Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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