my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
