we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
