My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
They have beer where we have blood.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
