and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
