I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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