I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
