i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize