So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
