Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm like, not good at living.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
