all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
