she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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