What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Redeem this text for a blowjob
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
