I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
