We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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