Your face is a jimmy john
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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