I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
