My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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