Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
