You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
