A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
