My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
