Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
