Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
