Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
