bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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