Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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