Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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