I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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