There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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