I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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