Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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