How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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