Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
