Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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