i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
