Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
two words: eviction party
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
