I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
These tits shall not be calmed
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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