He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
