I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
