Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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