her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
