I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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