I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
