Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
