don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
