K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
