The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
did i just pee glitter
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