I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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