I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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