Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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