This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
