I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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