We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
