Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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