I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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